mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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