Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
