Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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