On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize