They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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