I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
