My boss' voice literally gives me gas
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize