In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
