And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
