I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
