Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
