I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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