Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
