did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
