I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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