had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
