I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
