I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
