I just pynch a tree in the face
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
