i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
