I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
