I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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