there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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