He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
