I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
