Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize