Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Actions speak louder than pants.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize