Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
