he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
