Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
