Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
