the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
