haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
