And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
