Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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