Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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