Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
