Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize