How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
