So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Randomize
