i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
