dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
