You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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