I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
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