It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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