By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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