I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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