Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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