Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize