I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
