I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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