my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
