I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
