I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
