You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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