My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
