dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
