I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
