my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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