she kept yelling 'call me bella'
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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